The Last Word

A small scene in a restaurant:


"What are you going to have?"


"I don't know, I haven't seen a menu."


"It's right there - "


"I know, I'm just getting myself situated."


"Why?"


"Why?  What do you mean, why?  Why what?"


"Why are you getting yourself situated?  What is there to situate?"


"My chair is too far under the table - 


"What?"


"My chair is too far under the table, I'm getting squished."


"So move it."


"That's what I'm trying to do, but it's stuck, there's something - oh jesus..."


"What?"


"There - there's gum underneath the seat."


"What?"


"There's gum underneath the seat.  I put my hand underneath and gum was underneath the seat, under the seat."


"Gross."


"Yes.  I'm going to wash my hands.  Wash up.  Order me an old-fashioned.  Now - "


"A what?"


"An old-fashioned.  The drink."


"That's a drink?"


"It's a cocktail.  It's whiskey with something and a twist of lemon."


"Gay."


"You're hilarious.  Why do I even - ?  Can you just help me get out of my seat?  Please? "


"Are you stuck?"


"Yes I'm stuck, I'm fucking stuck underneath this goddamn table with the Doublemint twins, so can you please help me out of my seat so I can wash my hands and then order me a drink so that when I get back, I can start pounding it down quick enough to forget most of this happened or maybe, God willing, the entire evening.  Please?"


"Jesus Christ, just ask me then.  You don't have to berate me and half the restaurant - "


"Are you going to help me or shall I start praying, because at this point, nothing short of divine intervention is going to get me out of this chair."


"Yes.  There.  Are you feeling better?"


"Yes.  Thank you.  I'm going to wash my hands."


"Good."


"Fine."


"Now what drink am I getting you?"


"An old-fashioned."


"You don't want a martini?"


"No, if I wanted a martini don't you think I would have told you?"


"I don't know, you usually drink gin, I was just - "


"Well tonight I want something different.  Tonight is about celebrating right?  And I haven't even washed my hands yet.  I'm going.  I'm going to do that.  Now."


"Ok.  I'm gonna order an appetizer."


"Fine.  I'm going."


"You want calamari - "


"I'm.  Going."


"Right.  Enjoy the view."


"What?"


"What?"


"What does that mean, 'Enjoy the view?'"


"I don't know, it seemed right in the moment."


"I'm going."


"Good.  Enjoy the view."


"I will."


"And Happy Birthday."


"I told you not to say anything - !"


"Sorry.  Un-happy birthday."


"Thank you.  I'll be back."


"Like Arnold."


"Yes.  Ha ha.  Like Arnold.  You're so original."


"So are you."


"That wasn't a compliment."


"I took it as one anyway."