I struggle so hard with myself all the time.  I am split in two by the mania in my head.  I am two people; someone who loves fast food, but hates the idea of how much it bleeds the earth.  Someone who eats organic, but only after a week of Big Macs and Large Fries and Steakhouse Burgers and Onion Rings.  Someone who has a chronic disease, and feels the deeply the consequences of this bingeing, but at the same time feels mentally relaxed when this food goes down the gullet.  

I am someone who feels so deeply within me the perplexities and problems of the world, but I can do nothing to get myself off the couch and into that world.  I seem to be a titular idol to myself - almost a schizophrenic war of polarity.  I can find no balance.  I do workout one day, I play video games the next - but never in that order and always without a schedule.  I am a man without discipline.  I struggle with myself to find that discipline, but there is something in me that hates rules so deeply and with such a passion I tend to disregard most of them in favor of finding my own way out of a problem.  

I cry at the smallest whisper of emotion, but try to bring that out of anything conscious, such as in a play, and I'm dry as a faucet in the middle of the Sahara.  There is a disconnect, a block between my conscious and unconscious and that is where I exist - between those worlds.  Instead of doing something, I sit at home and do very little.  I interact very little.  At least, on any meaningful level.  There are those few bright moments here and there, but the truth is, I'm afraid to let people into my little world.  I am so strange and so thoughtful and so - acutely perpendicular to myself that no wonder I've had three girlfriends in the past 6 years.  

But there is a part of me that is also saying right now to "trust myself."  And I try, but that gets me into trouble too.  I'm just feeling lost.  I'm feeling without discipline.  Without some reasonable "oomph" to drive me.  I feel like the last baby penguin who hasn't started swimming yet.  Just can't quite get up the nerve to commit.  

I don't know.  I don't know I don't know I don't know.  Hemingway says write something true about yourself to become a writer.  I think this is the worst thing I've written in a while, but it is true.